Mission: Save the Teenagers

After hiding out for too long, I decided that authenticity was more important than fear.  I’ve come a long way since my last post. Divorce ripped our family apart and I’m still trying to put back the pieces. I got busy trying to find support from friends, family, and finding a new man.  I did a lot of work on myself. I’ve got a career! I love teaching 7th grade English. I bought a home, a new car, and some four-wheelers.  I plow my own drive, built a treehouse with a zip line and climbing wall, take my kids skiing, traveling, and out to the lake. I’m proud of how far we’ve come, but there is still much to be done! So, I’m back to sharing my fixes! Accepting that I have four great kids, things didn’t work out the way I wanted, a guy isn’t going to come and save me, so I’m going to do it myself. 

Mission SAvE the TEENAGERS has been put into place!!! I don’t need to go into details on the way, right! They’re TEENAGERS! They’re smelly, gross, they make bad choices, they think you know NOTHING, and they don’t want to spend time with me anymore!  Enough said.

1.) Fine, you can have social media. I’m done fighting it and I know I know it causes depression, but not having it is too!! Also, they make ones behind your back eh hem! You know I’m right!  I allowed them to have it and it broke my heart but all of a sudden everything was out in the open! 

        GIVE ME the logins and passwords and put their account on safe mode! 

We even made a TikTok video together. They didn’t let me post it. Apparently, moms are embarrassing!! 

2.) Which brings me to point 2! Sunday is reserved for the family! There may have been a little crying happening when I announced it but then they got excited. It was our first Sunday activity together to learn a dance and make a TikTok video together. Even though there was some resistance, the kids laughed and had fun with me. I think they particularly liked the fact that their mom had to helped! 🤣🤣🤣 We made a list of all the other ideas we want to do together on Sunday. Weekly spa treatments are in order. Bristol is particularly excited about getting 5$ to spend at the mall and having a competition to see who can buy the “weirdest” gift for 5$. I’ll keep you posted!

3.) Nightly check-ins with mom. When they were younger I used to do what I called their 2 min time. I would spend 2 minutes of undivided time with each kid. As life got busy it slowly faded. I’m bringing it back and this time it will also be a time to look at their phones together! BOOM!! 2X4= 8 This busy single mom can do that!

No more trying to make our family what it’s not! We are a house full of girls and we’re going to have fun together!! I spend a lot of time over the weekend thinking about some solutions to some stress in our home when the kids were at their dad's. This is what I came up with. Let’s go!!!

Traveling with Kids: Tips and Reward System

Travel season is coming up and it is time to come up with a travel plan.  Young kids have short attention spans, they are stuck in a car seat the whole trip, and everyone is in close quarters for a long period of time.  So you need some tricks up your sleeve,  some fun in your bag, some jig in your wig, okay now I’m just making up sayings.  I had three kids under the age of 4 and we took a 26 hour drive to Canada and my kids did awesome!  I had to go prepared.  Here are some tricks to travel with:

Itinerary:  A long trip with young kids requires a lot of planning.  Do not forget the itinerary and do not plan on just driving right through unless you want a lot of unhappy campers.  Plan stops alone the way.  Know when you are going to get somewhere and plan ample amount of time for stops.  I planned for half hour bathroom stops every three hours and at least two one hour stops a day.  The first time we went on a long trip I just thought we would find places on the GPS and just stop when we were ready to get out but this was not a good idea because we spent way too much time trying to find something and then we ended up in weird spots or the things that looked interesting to do were closed.  So plan your stops and do plan to stop.  Plan how much money you will need for gas and stops along the way.  Use cash or a recorder to make sure you do not go over budget.  It will also help make sure that the kids do not talk you into unnecessary purchases at the gas station or to splurge on the toy with the “happy meal."

Road Map: Print each child their own road map or map of the U.S. for the kids to color.  I marked where we were traveling and then we kept track of where we were and how far they’ve gone.  It was also neat for them to be able to see what states they traveled in.  Do not forget to mark your stops on their map to give them something to look forward to on the drive.  The other thing we used our road maps for was to play the license plate game.  Long summer road trips are perfect for trying to see how many states license plates you can find.  Have the kids color the states of the license plates they found or if your kids are a bit older you could even turn it into a game and have the kids see who can find and color the most states.

Travel Tickets:  Another tool that I used to help the kids understand how long we were going to be in the car were travel tickets.  For each day I would give them the same number of tickets as number of hours we had to drive that day.  I used the GPS to measure the hours in driving time not actual time.  This worked really well because even if we stopped for an hour we still had the same amount of driving time left and it was really easy to keep track of how many tickets they had.  Each hour they would give me one of their tickets.  So let’s say we had to drive 10 hours the first day each hour they gave me one of their tickets and they could see how many more hours were left to drive, so after the first hour they gave me a ticket and could see that they have 9 hours left.  P.S.  Do not wake sleeping children just wait until they wake and take multiple tickets then. ;)  This also helped with the “Are we there yet?” questions, they were not allowed to ask it.   If they did the answer is, “How many tickets do you have?”  Instead they could ask,”Where are we?”  Then they could check their map and see how much longer.  It makes the drive a lot more bearable if the kids know how long they are going to be there even if it is a long time.

Reward Clips: I made every member of our family, including mom and dad, clothes pin clips with their names on them.  The clips have a paper cut out on them with the names of the family or you could just write their names directly on the clothes pins.  You clip the clothes pins on the sun visor so they are visible to everyone.  If the person is behaving well and not screaming or fighting and the kids are not whining or asking, “Are we there yet?”  Then their clothes pin stays on the visor.  If they are not doing well then their clothes pin comes down.  The motivation to be good and keep your clothes pin up is an hourly reward.  If their clothes pin was up on the hour they would give me their hourly travel ticket and I would give them their reward.  I packed a reward bag and instead of giving them all of their things to do in the car at the beginning of the trip I would give them those as one of their hourly rewards.  I used snacks as hourly rewards,  I would let them even pick out something at the gas station if their clothes pin is up when we stop.  I bought a couple goodies at the dollar store to entertain them too that I used as rewards (This also gives you an excuse to say no to expensive Happy Meal treats.)  I had new coloring books, stickers, a new DVD, and things that I was planning on getting for the trip anyway but it was a privilege instead of a given.  It also spread out the things to do throughout the trip instead of all of the new things wearing out their newness by the end of the trip.  So they would give me one of their hourly travel tickets and then they would get their reward.  Do not forget a clip for mom and dad.  It was fun for the kids to ask us to put our clip down if we snapped at them.  If made for a fun and low stress way to stop the grouchy parents and for a no yell way to stop the kids from getting out of control.

Make sure that you put a list of these ideas in a travel binder so that you do not forget.  When you are angry or stressed or just plain done traveling you will not have the brain cells left to remember all of your wonderful ideas.

Game Ideas:  Try to find the alphabet on road signs, See who can get the most animals on their side of the car,  I Spy, and Travel Bingo or Scavenger Hunt all make fun games to play in the car.  Make Bingo Cards and then they see if they can color in a bingo by finding things on the bingo card, like stop signs, trees, and birds.
Find more detailed travel games on these websites: jumpstart,  mini time, MomsMinivan, pbs.org, and kidsactivityblog.

Entertainment Ideas:  Do not forget the electronics.  While I am not one to use television and gaming as a baby sitter these close quarter conditions call for a little extra screen time...DVD’s, game boys, books on tape (Don’t forget to check out the library), their favorite music (our babe falls asleep to the Frozen Soundtrack every time), your favorite calming music, and tablets.  You can use electronics to keep down on the amount of extra stuff you need to bring as well.

Food Ideas:  Bring Ziplock bags...You will not regret it!  I made snack baggies with a variety of different treats similar to trail mix.  Make sure everyone has their own water bottle.  If you have to stop for lunch and go to the drive through you won’t have to buy drinks with those flimsy cups and lids.  I stored bottled water for refills in our under storage.  I also brought individual drink mix pouches for a little something different and they could just pour the individual drink mix into their water.  (This is a good idea for one of their reward hours too.)  Pack sandwiches for your first meal on the road to save time and money.  Keep a small cooler in between the front seats for easy access to food.


Give the kids one small bag for their things and then once that is full they do not get to take anything else on the trip.  This will give a place for all of their stuff so it doesn’t end up all over the floor.
Keep a folder or travel binder with all your travel tools.  Do not over pack you will not be comfortable! My sister is now coming to visit us this year from Canada.  I hope these tips help ya sis!!! Good Luck, because after you’ve done all you can do that’s all you need is some good luck!

Chore Headaches Solved

Dividing the household responsibilities can always be a bit tricky.  Who does what, when, how often...Etc.  Someone is always feeling like they are getting the short end of the stick.  Is that the saying? Anyway, How to divide the work.  I love letting my kids be responsible for themselves.  I cannot believe the progress we have made with this, this year.  My kids are starting to get a little older and they really do get themselves ready and dressed without much pushing and fighting in the morning.  Well fighting with me anyway, fighting with their siblings is a different story.  In fact, I am going to admit that on a handful of mornings I even stayed in bed because I’d been up with the baby and they got ready completely on their own and out to the school bus all on their own AND not to mention that their chores where done too.  When our kids are responsible to help out and to make sure their part gets done they will strive to do it, and we are all a lot happier.  Here are some tools we have been using to help:

The Chore Wheel:  You cannot laugh at my shottie work, it was not designed for aesthetic appeal, however you crafty moms out there could come up with something a lot cuter I’m sure.  Please post a picture if you do!!!  I love the wheel we change it around (towards the sink) every sunday night.  So the kids have the same job for a week.  I have found that a week is just the right amount of time.  It is long enough that I do not feel like I am forgetting to change the wheel and it is not too long where someone really feels the agony of doing the dishes last forever.  Pick chores to put on the wheel that are age appropriate and that are daily chores such as feed the animals or clear the table.

The Checklist:  There are tons of things that the kids need to do in the morning that are not really considered chores but are necessary to personal health and hygiene and also to their environmental health.  I may have made that last thing up but it’s true.  I bought each of my kiddos their own checklist and I started them out small.  I hate those pre-made checklists with things already on them because first of all we are so excited when we first get them that we do it for maybe a week tops and then the novelty wears off and we are back to square one of yelling or forgetting etc.  So I made our own.  I wrote on the dry erase boards with sharpie so they could check them off as they went and not keep erasing the checklist.  At first I didn’t want to ruin their boards or not be able to change something on the list later on but believe me it is well worth putting it on in sharpie, you can always adapt still.  The major component to getting this one right is to start small put things on the checklist that the kids already do very well.  My kids brushed their teeth really well so that went on there, then I picked one or two new things that we needed to work on.  Such as picking out your clothes every night before bed.  We worked on the new items for about a month and then added items onto the checklist (such as reading 10 min. every night) as we began to master the new tasks.  If they finished their morning checklist they get to watch one TV show, if they finish their nighttime checklist then they get to have a night time treat.  It works wonders.  The treat isn’t extravagant but something small and they just finish then they get one they don’t or they take to long then they miss out.  They soon learn the tasks and they become habits for their lives.  I know I am still mastering routines so I need to remember to take it easy on them and give them the skills to master the routines instead of getting angry and saying, “I thought I told you to...” all the time.  In addition, I added a box for the kids to check if they checked everything for the whole day and I award them a dollar each week it’s done.  I love being able to teach the kids about money management.  We are creating wonderful routines with this system as well as acceptability and responsibility in the kids.

Home Blessing Hour:  This is one of the tips I took from the Fly Lady at FlyLady.net.  She suggests doing Home Blessing Hour on Mondays but since I am a busy mom and mondays are way too busy for it most weeks.  We do ours Saturday morning and this way everyone can pitch in and help too.  If you have a floppy schedule like my husbands job did choose a day that he has off so he can help too, but make sure to schedule it and discuss it at family meeting or it won’t happen.  Or if you like to do the work yourself schedule it when nobody else is around or when everyone else can be busy.  But it could be a good day to plan something fun with the family, you can tell everyone that if they all work hard for an hour cleaning the house then we will get to do something fun.  This is the quick cleaning day of the week.  The Fly Lady has other 15 min. deep cleaning tasks that she does daily instead of a day of cleaning.  So it’s a quick vacuum, sweep/mop, dust/polish, throw out old magazines/take out garbage, and change sheets.  Take about 10 min. each give or take.  I set the timer and go.  I made these flower pots for a pick me jar for church but they would also work great for chores.  Just put the names of the chores on the bottom of the popsicle stick and let everyone pick their jobs. Can you think of more ways to use these?

What We Stand For

A couple years back my mom suggested that I watch a Ted Talk about families.  She wanted to show me that a lot of the things that I was doing were right and to keep going.  But let’s be honest there was probably some hidden pointers in there too. :)  Thanks Mom!   I did find some helpful pointers and was motivated to keep on trying!  One of the things that Bruce Feiler mentions is to come up with and post a family mission statement.  In my stubbornness I made excuses for this advice...”We have House Rules posted (oooo blog post to come), that’s good.”  Or “We’ve talked about what we stand for that’s good enough, we don’t have time to do this and I don’t want to worry about how posting it...we know already.”  Well, my heart finally softened when two things happened not only did Bruce talk about it in his video but many posts I read about successful families said that they had mission statements.  The other thing that was happening in our home with more consistency was fighting.  I thought if we all discussed how we wanted to feel at home and how we wanted others to treat us then they might get on board with this idea of treating each other nicely.   So we...

• Held a Family Meeting: Or rather put it on the agenda for our weekly Family Meeting
• Discussed things that we wanted in our home
• I made a list of all ideas including the have a horse comments
• Then later compiled them into an organized mission statement
• I let everyone listen to what I came up with and make any changes they thought
• I have a friend whose sister does vinyl lettering and I had her cut out our mission statement
• I had an old cupboard that had layers of paint on it, I sanded down sections of the cupboard to show parts of the old coloring to give the cupboard an antiqued look and then I put my vinyl lettering on it.  I’ve got some more antiquing ideas to come from some future projects.

Casey Family Mission Statement Display

Here are some highlights from the video.  It is a good one check it out...
1.) "Adapt all the Time:”
-Move "family dinner,”  if you don’t have time to have family dinner at dinner time.  Spend that time together in the morning or just before bed.  There is only about 10 minutes of productive family time at dinner, it is needed, but just move it to another part of the day if necessary.  Remain open minded, make things flexible and work for the different stages of your lives.

2.) "Empower our children:  Enlist the children in their own upbringing”

 -Practice being independent.  Plan their own goals, set weekly schedules and build up their own work habits, succeed and fail on their own terms.  If they are responsible now then they can learn to have confidence in their choices later.  Let them make the mistakes while they are young and the consequences are busting 5$ worth of allowance rather then a 3,000$ tax return.  Help them make a checklist of their responsibilities so they can be responsible for themselves.  I will post our checklists in a future post.

Hold family meetings and enlist their help in the running of the family.  When we feel we have a say in something we feel we are more a part of any problems and therefore also the solutions.

3.) "Tell your story."
-Adapting is good but we also need “bedrock.”  We need to preserve the core and define a mission.  Create a family mission statement include what is important to your family and what values you uphold.
-Worry less about what you do wrong and worry more about what you do right.
-Tell your children where you came from.  Kid who know where they come from have higher self esteem and a greater sense of control.  It is research based knowledge that they have better emotional health.

Words of Encouragement from Feiler:
You do not need a grand plan you need small steps to progress.
Secrets to a happy family is to keep trying.
Happiness is not something that we have to search for.  It is something that is already there that we need to learn to see (Feiler, 2013).

I love having our family mission statement posted.  It does help in times of trial especially when we aren’t getting along to remember how we want to feel in our home.  I like to refer back to it and let the kids see where they are making mistakes and see where they can improve on the terms they set.


Reference:
Feiler, Bruce. (2013) Agile Programming - for your family. TEDSalon NY2013. retrieved from http://www.ted.com/talks/bruce_feiler_agile_programming_for_your_family#t-930798

Kid of The Day

I was at my friends for the Super Bowl and I saw on her fridge a Laminated picture of a throne that says, “Kid of the Day.”  And then she had all her kids names also printed out and laminated and on the fridge and one of the kids names is above the throne.  So I had to know what this was about so I asked her about it.  It is a revolutionary idea, thanks Cassie!!!

Photo From Cassie

 Here it goes...

So everyday you designate a “Kid of the day” and that kid gets to pick.  What do I mean by pick?  Do your kids get into fights?  Do your kids fight over toys?  Who gets to sit where?  What do we want to have for dinner?  Who needs to stop singing because it is bugging me?  You get the idea.  I often times feel like a referee in my own home by trying to manage and figure out who gets what or who gets to win the fight.  I often times will let the kids work our their own arguments and in fact I will often times charge them a dollar if they want me to work it out for them.  They will usually opt to figure it out for them selves.  Kids want someone else to make the decision and I feel like what I am put in the position to decide who gets to sit where or who gets what color of sucker that the kids can feel like I am favoring one child over another even though I have no intention to do so.  This is why I loved this idea that my friend had.  To eliminate having to pick who had the toy first etc.  The answers is...well who is the KID OF THE DAY!! They get to pick.  If you are the one singing and it is bugging someone well sing on, if you want to sit by the baby in the car then go right ahead.

She said that is has become such a wonderful routine in their home that they do not even question it.  They know that when it is their day they will get to choose so the fighting has stopped.  Or at least it stops shortly after it starts.  How awesome not to have to be the bad guy or referee and just get to enjoy the kids.  We are going to try this in our home!  We are going to change it up a bit and try “Kid of the Week.”  We change chores every week so whoever has dishes for the week, the job everyone hates including me, will get to be Kid of the Week.

Orange Rhino

I have to say that I have had a no yelling resolution since I’ve become a parent.  Sadly I am not perfect and need some help.  And I’m still working on this resolve yet again this year!  I thought I had myself under control and I had kicked that nasty behavior.  So, I was emotionally stable and ready for a new kid.  Well, It turns out that new kids are the reason for the added stress and tendency to yell.  So, back to square one, well not completely I have all the skills now but I have to implement them and with little ones needing you 24/7 it is next to impossible to accomplish.  My friend Alice told me about this awesome lady who challenged herself and promised her kids that she would not yell for 365 days.  If she yelled she had to start over.  SHE DID IT!  She now has a blog and a book and I love her Facebook group called THE ORANGE RHINO CHALLENGE.  She gives us a look at her journey and the skills she learned to "YELL LESS and LOVE MORE” - Orange Rhino.  She has some great tips and she encourages you to take the Orange Rhino Challenge.  Start your goal off small and then add up to it.  She has some free printables on her website to help you get started but if you do not like all the paperwork and have gone paper free and now do your planning and everything on your tablet or phone she also has an app called the Orange Rhino.  I love the app because I do not have added paper hanging around which adds stress too!  The App is only available for apple right now but if it gets enough traffic it will also be available in android.

Orange Rhino Helps you to:

*Track your Triggers:  I track what types of things trigger my yelling and come up with a strategy to deal with it next time.

*Set your Goal and start over if you need to.

*Forgive yourself when you mess up and try again.

*Give you a support system to help you realize you are not alone.

I have had to start over plenty of times but I feel like just knowing that others are struggling with this too helps me to feel normal and helps me to make changes because I know others are cheering for me.  My kids even helped by coloring the Orange Rhino’s from her blog and we posted them around the house.  While it doesn’t always help it is a good reminder and it did help to get the kids involved and it gave a chance for us to talk about it and for them to feel okay to speak up about it too.

Orange rhino’s are peaceful but charge when provoked. :)

Find her Blog Here!

Fly Lady Fly

My new favorite website...you have got to check it out.  This lady is a genius and so positive and encouraging.  Housework and organizing your home can get overwhelming half the time I feel like I don't have enough time she makes it doable without the stress and guilt and pressure.

Each day of the week she gives specific tasks to do in the home that take 15 min.  Each week is a different room.  These tasks help with the deep cleaning but it is only 15 min. a day.  Then on Monday you do an hour of quick clean 10 min. for vaccum, dust, etc. this used to take me hours and I obsess about getting things "just right."  And now I just do it, it feels like I have succeeded and it didn't take me all day and it's not perfect but my house is clean and organized and I'm just taking it one step and one day at a time.  A timer is key...set the timer for 15 min. and then stop when it goes off.  I don't need to stress about it because I know I'm going to get to it, she has it all mapped out for me and she helps me establish healthy daily routines.

Flylady.Net

Sign up for the emails and check out the Launch pad for daily tasks, routines, and tips.

Let's Fly Ladies!!! 

Online/App Chore Chart

Our warm fuzzy jars worked great for rewarding good behavior but didn't really give us any structure and organization when it comes to chores.  Especially since my kids are getting older now and can handle a daily chore chart.  I came across this wonderful app on my iPhone called MY JOB CHART.
One of the great advantages of using the online program is that it automatically updates everyday.  Sometimes that was the downfall of other charts that I've tried at home. Mom Malfunction!!! I would forget to update or get a new sheet or count points and start over.  This program will do all of that for you.  Not to mention the fact that you can personalize chores for each child and days of the week and you can assign points to be allotted for jobs done.  The jobs can be divided into daytime and night time jobs too.

The kids just login and then check off their assigned, by you, chores when they are complete.  Then when they complete the chores they are given points and then they can choose how to spend their points.  You get to pick the rewards that they choose from and I usually let the kids help me pick too that way they are more motivated to do their chores.  Then they organize their points and can either save, share, or spend.  What a great way to teach money management skills too!!!

It can also be a way to let the kids learn responsibility and less yelling.  If they don't do it they don't get the points and if I have to do it then I don't have the energy or time to do other things for them.  So if they asked, "Can you do ____  for me?"  you could reply, “I'm really tired so I can't because I had to do your chores.”  Also you could assign an even worse chore, like DOG POOP, on the job chart and until the do it mom is out of business. :)

My kiddos love earning points and using electronics for their chore chart and this one had all the features that I wanted.

* Morning, Evening, and Extra’s Checklists
* Customizable
* Daily update...They do not have to uncheck it to check them again the next day
* Tracks all the points they Earned for Each job they check off
* I get to pick what rewards are Available to them
* They get to pick what rewards they want and how they spend their points
* The App let’s me know which rewards they spent their points on and when I redeem the reward for them I check it done...SO I do not forget to redeem!

The app is available on iPhone and android devices and you can use it on your desktop or laptop as well. So if you are interested in using this chore chart those are a few of the ways that you can use it.   You can reach the program online here at myjobchart.com.  If you are searching on your app store search "my job chart."

New Growth

Do you ever compare yourself to other moms?  Do you ever compare your kids to other kids?  Telling yourself, oh man she has got this all together, what is wrong with me?  Or all the other kids are reading big books and we are still sounding out words.  I know I am tempted to do this and I need reminders to get my thoughts far far away from them.  So there is the doubt so let's work this thing out!  I love this time of year and I start thinking about spring and new growth and my thoughts are turned to the Savior and his resurrection.  I have been getting spring fever and I have been planting seedlings all over the house.  I will post my indoor growing methods on the next post new growth #2. :)  Okay but today "New Growth" is a metaphor.  I love metaphor's they really help lessons to sink in.  So I'm going to share the lesson I learned from my tree's today.

1.) First you have to look at how well my tree is growing...

2.)  Okay now you have to look at how well the rest of my trees are doing!

3.)  Did you compare the two?  You automatically thought my little baby tree wasn't doing very well didn't you?  Ha! Okay well, maybe you didn't but I did.  I was pitying this poor tree.  What is wrong with this tree I keep asking myself.  He's been in the same environment and everything else.  Then when I realized that ya this tree is smaller and doesn't seem to be doing as well that it could really end up being a strong tree if I don't give up on it and keep watering it, it will just keep growing.  When I look at this tree on it's own I think that this tree is doing pretty good put the second I look at the other tree's I think he isn't doing very well anymore.  This is the same way with us.  When we look at how well we think others are doing then we forget to look at how well we are doing.  We only see our weaknesses.  I know that as we look at our strengths and cultivate them and embrace ourselves the way we are that we start looking better and better.  Not only do they look better our strengths grow and our weaknesses can become strengths.

4.)  When we start comparing our children to other kids then we give them a disadvantage.  Of course we want our kids to do well and to be healthy and grow and be the best they can be.  How are they supposed to grow to their full potential if they are being compared to somebody else? When our kids see that they have to live up to some standard or to other kids then they miss seeing all the good that they have and can't develop those qualities.

I used this idea for a Family Home Evening Lesson and let everyone hold the small tree and asked them about the two tree's and all the kids said that my tree was better (the big one).  Except Dad could see what was happening so he tried to say that the small one was better. Stinker, oh well, he didn't get it right either neither of the tree's were better, just different.  Then I talked about how, when we compare ourselves to others we can't see the good in ourselves.  So then I went around the room again with both tree's and asked them again about the tree's and everybody talked about the good qualities of the small tree.  Even one of my daughters said that the fact that the tree was small was a good thing.  She herself is small and later I asked them to look at the good things about themselves and she said, "I'm small."  I asked her why that was a good quality and she said, "It makes me good at the limbo."  Even things that are looked at as negative can really be good qualities, you just have to look at them that way.  It reminds me of the movie "Wreck it Ralph"  which by the way if you haven't seen it then you need to it is sooooo good.  Ralph is the villain in his video game and he just wants to be good and be appreciated like the hero of his game.  So he goes out and tries to change his role in the game and anyway he finds out that he is really just needed the way that he is and when he embraced it he found the good in himself and didn't have to change at all he just had to find the good in his situation.  Here is a trailer.

My oldest daughter always struggles with this.  She will come home from school and talk about how other students in the class can read better then her or are faster with the math facts then her and on and on.  I could see her really listening to this lesson and she talked about how she is a good swimmer.  I remember she needed help with her reading so we really worked at it.  We stopped looking at what others could do and started focusing on what she could do and where she wanted to be.  We had some practice reading sheets the teacher had given us and the words per minute that they were "supposed" to be able to read by then end of the year.  Instead of saying you are supposed to be here we made this her personal goal.  When I first tested her she had eight words per minute, the goal by the end of the year is 47 words per minute.  So then we said okay if you do 10 more words per minute each month we will get there.  So we practiced everyday and at first she really struggled but now she is almost there and she still has at least another month to go.  Another thing that helped was her confidence.  I had a very strong feeling that she needed to be on the US swim team this year, so we decided to do it and it turns out that she is a natural.  She got 28th and ended last every heat the first meet and by the end of the season she placed third overall in the backstroke at B State and got the bronze.  Not only that, because she has something that she is good at her confidence has grown and it affects other areas of her life.  Her reading has gotten so much better and before she was very shy in class and wouldn't participate and now she asks questions and answers questions and believes in herself.  We are excited about the positive changes and I know that it was because we started focusing on what she could do and not on what she couldn't do.  We stopped worrying about what others were doing or not doing or what they thought.  We also did not pity her or feel sorry for her or feel like there was no growth for her, we simply helped her with love and patience and we believed in her.  Just like we need to do for ourselves when we struggle and feel like we can't live up to others.

5.)  If you look at someone else and believe they are perfect then you are mistaken.  We each have strengths and we each have weaknesses.  The problem is that we can't see every one's mistakes or weaknesses, especially as much as we see our own.  Some of us expect that we ourselves need to be perfect so it's hard to accept our failures.  But when we accept them then we can learn from them and keep making ourselves better.  When I remember my Savior, Jesus Christ, and all he has done for me then I can accept my faults easier and know that because The Savior Died for me he will make up the difference and that it is not possible for me too, then I can surrender and give my life to him and I will be made perfect Some Day.  It's exciting!  This Easter Season as we think about the Savior his sacrifice and his resurrection then we can remember that just as winter comes so do our faults but just as Spring comes and brings new growth we can remember that we grow also.

I read this talk by President Uchtdorf that talks about how we can avoid comparing ourselves to others.  You can read, watch, or listen to it here. Great Talk!!

 

Stop asking yourself, "What's wrong with me?" and start asking yourself, "What's right with me!"

Family Meeting

You know what drives me nuts? When nobody knows what's going on and everyone is running around like chickens with their heads cut off and you've got something planned but then whoops so does your husband so he's forgotten to tell you and whose going to watch the kids. And of course it always falls on the mom to be responsible for either canceling their plans or finding a sitter. Like it would kill him to change a meeting or say "no" to something or call a babysitter...oh whoops I think I went off on a tangent for a moment, well enough about that, besides my husband is going to want to revoke my blog after this :)

So, I always have a nice organized planner and schedule and meals organized and activities planned. But it doesn't do anyone any good because nobody else knows about it. So we initiated Family Meeting:
Well actually I've always liked the idea of having one but sometimes we get busy and slack but our week always goes better when we have family meeting.


1.) I always sit down before the meeting and make my own plans first.  I make sure I include my goals in the plan for the week, such as exercise.  Sometimes in the business of life we can't see that we are neglecting our relationships and time with the people we love.  It is very important to plan according to your priorities.  So I plan time with each of my kids, my husband, and time for me.  Then I also plan meals and I make a grocery list for the week.  I take an hour on Sunday to Plan, before our family meeting.  (There is so much more to be said here....so a post on planning will be in the works.)

2.) Get the whole family together, choose the same day and time each week, we do ours Sunday evening before bed its a great time to do it because everyone is usually home and because Monday starts tomorrow so you might as well be prepared.

3.) Get out your planner and have everyone else get out theirs. i.e. work schedules, sports or other activity plans.  Put every one's schedule together, and work out any conflicts.  i.e. "I'm busy this night so can you pick up the kids."  Or you may have doubled up on something, now is the time to make a choice, which one are you going to do or not do.  Or decide if you can get someone to help or get a sitter...

4.) Family Concerns...I ask everyone if they have any concerns and if there is anything that they need help with or something that is bothering them that they need from me or dad.  Most of the time it is something like the kids would like to go to the park or they'd like to have a daddy date etc.  Schedule in any needs or discuss any problems and possible solutions.  Try the solution during the week and then check back at the next family meeting to see if that worked or not, and then brain storm more ideas.  I'll usually have concerns like I need help with the housework and we will work together to decide what to do about it.  We have decided to schedule a chore day once a week and everyone has to do one big chore.  That works for us now but when it doesn't I will bring it back up for suggestions.  Dad usually has things like we need to kneel for family prayers and obey our parents.  Oh man, I remember when parents were such downers and now I'm one of them.

5.)  Individual goals: usually everyone has a couple goals they are working on and then we talk about how they are doing with their goals and what we can do to help.  For the longest time one of our daughters had the goal that she didn't want to hit anymore (she was 2.)  So, we talked about what would help her and then we worked on it and almost every week she had the same goal but we continued to work on it and then pretty soon it was getting better and better and soon she only hit once that week and then we started working on other goals.  It was pretty neat to see the progress.  It was even neat to hear the kids say what they would want their punishment to be if they hit and how it helped them do better.  I believe kids are good and they want to do good but they need help.  Putting them in charge of their goals helps them learn to be responsible and to understand that they are good but that they just need practice to get better at something.  My daughter did not want to hit and knew that it was bad but she just needed some help getting through it.  She knew what the punishments were going to be when she hit, she had helped come up with the punishment too. 
     Of course you'd want to do this a lot different with older kids but the idea is the same, have them pick a goal and then help them keep track of the goal.  Help them see the rewards when they get it right and to see the pit falls when they get it wrong.  Check up on them and see how you can help them.  Family meeting is a great time to do this.  Help them reach the goal with small steps.  See my post on attainable goals to help with goal setting. (You could even just talk to each child individually for this part.  Although, unless it's really personal it is nice to know that the whole family is supporting you in your goals.) My husband and I also talk about our individual goals at this time too, it shows a good example of learning and growing.

6.)  If you don't already have House Rules and Consequences then your first family meeting would be a good time to do that.  Talk about what rules the family needs and what should happen when they are not followed.  Make sure to print them out and display them in your house.  I love that the kids get to pick their consequences because it helps them remember that it is their choice to disobey and that they are responsible for their own choices.  You could also come up with a reward system to reward good behavior check out my post on Warm Fuzzy Jars for our reward system.

7.)  My hubby and I will then talk, after we excuse the kids, about #1 the budget and how we are going to spend the money.  We have a budget template but there are expenses that come up that require us to make changes regularly.  (Post on budgeting to come) Then #2 concerns about the kids and what we can do as a couple and anything that is bothering us about each other.

Family meeting is all about empowering your kids and teaching them responsibility.  It also teaches them collaboration and teamwork.  It teaches the kids that they are the ones that choose for themselves right from wrong.  You will have to put your foot down from time to time but I have found that when I ask my kids what they think is good and right that they will usually be good and right.  They will need guidance help and direction, they will need consequences.  They will make mistakes but they will know that they are responsible for those mistakes and you will have to hold them accountable.  What I love the most about Family Meeting is that it helps us to make time for the events and people we love.  We are organized to do what we want and when.  We are all on the same page.  No more running around like a chicken with your head cut off.

Attainable Goals

I often times feel frustrated when I am making New Years Resolutions for a couple of Reasons: I don't end up doing what I set out to do, and they are usually about the same goal every year, and I feel like I'm just starting over and over again.

Some examples might be: I'm going to eat healthier, loose weight, exercise more, do more with my family, finish a project, buy a home, finish school, organizing my home, and they can go on and on.  I have struggled finishing a lot in my life but because of it I've learned a lot about how to finish, or how not to finish.  My husband teases me all the time when I tell him about something that I want to do.  He'll say..."Okay Hunny!"  and you can tell that his smile is saying, "I'll believe it when I see it."  Last year I set the goal to loose weight and I did finish my goal last year so here are some tips that I've learned along the way...

"I am not afraid, I was born to do this." - Joan of Arc

 

Top 10 Ways to Complete Your Goals:

1.) Don't compromise a long term goal or dream because you think it is unachievable.

“If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.”
- Gandhi

2.) Set a goal that is a top priority for this year or for this time in your life.

Now this may seem contradictory to the first one but if the goals you are setting aren't top priority on your list, it's NOT going to happen! For instance if you are sick and fighting disease and you set a goal to exercise regularly, you might be too tired to be able to do that.  That phase of your life will pass and then you can set that goal later but setting a goal that is not going to happen at a certain point in your life is disappointing and heartbreaking.  Another example would be if you are trying to loose weight and you are pregnant.  Even if you did achieve this it wouldn't be healthy for the baby.  So be smart take on goals that you can do at that point in your life.

3.) Set Small Goals to help you reach long term goals and Work Hard.

"The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary."
-Vidal Sassoon

You will not get it done all at once you will have to have patience and wait for it.  Even though I am an adult now and I ask my impatient kids to wait, I too have impatience problems.  My impatient thoughts are saying, "Geese Louise...aren't I there yet.  Well I guess not, maybe I should stop or, eh, I'll just do something else."  Here is the key, set shorter goals that can help you reach your long term goal.  My long term goal was to loose 20 lbs, so my short term goal was to loose 2 lbs a week (If your more patient then I am you could do even less per week.)  I worked out and ate healthy and it was hard to stick with it, but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, so I kept with it and kept working so I could expect different results.  I got results.  It didn't all happen right away but slowly I changed.  Every time you complete a small goal there is a sense of satisfaction, you don't have to wait forever till the end before you get some relief (that gets tiring.) Let's face it we are all impatient to some extent.  When you've reached each small goal you just get closer and closer to your main goal...
 
4.) Commit and Educate yourself.

If this is a goal that you end up setting every year then it is obviously important to you and it would be something that can make your life more enjoyable in the long run regardless of the work necessary to achieve it. So commit yourself now. "I am going to do this!" In the end there is no one else or nothing else to blame if you don't achieve your goal, it's up to you.

I hate it when I really want something but don't really know how to get it. Sometimes I'm too stubborn to admit it. So first, admit that you may need some help with your goals. Two heads are better then one, right! I can imagine the more heads the better. You may need to learn about something and research it, you may need to go to school and get a degree. If to achieve your goal you need to buy something or your goal is to buy something you may need to learn about budgeting, you may need to figure out how you can make more money. You may need to learn about nutrition and about how to cook better meals...the list goes on an on.  I had to figure out how many calories to eat and how much to burn in order to loose weight and it worked like a charm.

5.) Tell other people about your goal.

Have somebody else to talk to about your progress. Someone else that is committed to the same goal, is a nice benefit, you each can talk about the progress you are each making and help keep each other keep motivated. It's always nice to talk with someone who can relate to what you are going through and that can empathize or offer ideas or encouragement.  Having someone else to report to always makes me work harder because I don't want to have to give them a bad report. Not only that but it makes it more fun to have someone to do it with, and it makes your commitment more real.


6.) Write it down and follow up on your progress once a day.

You will commit yourself even further once it's written down, you don't need to write it out with your own blood but a Sharpie might do.  I used to have a written planner and I would write my goal in there and keep track of them and change them as I changed or as life changed and just kept moving them from week to week.  I always plan out the week on Sunday and then I will include any steps I needed to do for that goal in that week and when I was going to do them.  Now I keep my calender on my phone and I do the same thing on there and I have a One Note system for my To Do lists and my goals and it syncs up with my computer, laptop, and phone.  It is really nice to have it wherever I am.  If you don't plan out time to make it happen, especially if it is something that you have had trouble with making time for, it's not going to happen all on it's own on the fly.  So write it down. At the end of the day check your planner and see if you've accomplished your goal or if you weren't able to what you need to change in order to make it work. It doesn't make you a bad person if you weren't able to do it it just means you have to do something different to make it work. You can't stay stagnant, life changes so you must also.  Even if you aren't a planner/calender type person you can write down, i.e. "I am going to work out 30 minutes a day at 6:30am."  Always check your progress.  I used a food diary and weighed myself each day to check my progress.  If you don't check up on yourself you'll let yourself slide.  Write down progress and any changes to the goals.

You could also write out the goal and maybe a quote or something that inspires you and keep it somewhere that you will see it all the time.  This can help remind you and it can help you to create a great new habit.

7.) Set yourself a deadline and think of a reward for yourself when you achieve the goal.

Decide when you want to finish each big goal and then also the small goals.  If you also give yourself a reward for accomplishing your goal you will be a lot more likely to finish.  Treat yourself to a trip up the mountain for skiing or a spa day or shopping day, or my husband would like a hunting day, whatever you really like.  With my weight loss I would give myself one cheater day a week were I could go slightly over calories for one day if I stayed under the rest of the week.

8.) Visualize Yourself achieving the goal and use positive self talk.

"Act as if it were impossible to fail."
-Dorothea Brande

Some of the most successful people in life spend time visualising what they want and how they are going to do it.  I am a dance teacher and I do this before I perform a dance and I have my students do it too.  The movements become more of a part of me and the kids can perform better and with more confidence.  It's like they've already done it the way they've hoped so why not again.  Athlete's use this technique and it has been proven to be helpful in many other areas too.  I do this before I decorate or organize something, I will picture what I want it to look like before I do it.  When I was trying to loose weight I would visualize my body as I wanted it to be and it would help keep me focused on the possible future.

Whenever you would like to change or do something new or achieve something better you have to think it's possible and think that you are able to accomplish it and push out all thoughts of doubt and fear and replace them with hope and faith.  Remember that you will fall and falter but that the more you do the more you learn the better you get at it.  You can't expect perfection but you can expect to get there in time with hard work, patience, and help.  Getting up each time you fail is the only way to finish.

9.) Complete your Goal.

10.) Celebrate!!!.....and then set a New Goal.

Once completed don't forget to reward yourself.  And remember that it is all a part of life and there is always more to do, learn, and maintain.  You are never really done, life's journey is full of opportunities and we can take advantage of them as we strive for our goals.

 Before +20 lbs.

After -20 lbs

 

What's your New Years Resolutions this year?  Here's hoping you achieve your goals and dreams, one step at a time.

More posts to come on weight loss, mommy and me work outs, budgeting, and home organization.

Warm and Fuzzy

My kiddos can get pretty onery, like most kids they like to be especially onery at home with you, the mom.  It gets exhausting.  When they are little and trying to learn not to hit and how to clean their rooms and to brush their teeth and make their beds and how to talk nicely etc. etc. etc.  The list goes on and on and on.  Okay enough of this you wanna hear about what I have to say about it. Right? Okay maybe not, then you should probablly stop reading.  But I'm telling you, what I have to say is exellent so you wanna hear this.  This idea works great!

So I was getting sick and tired of Time-outs and nagging about the kids getting things done.  So I decided to do something about it.  I'm not saying that I still don't do time-outs because they are necesary still but it doesn't happen with the same consistancy that it used to.  I really just wanted to reward the kids when they did things the right way.  So here it is...what you've all been waiting for...

...Warm Fuzzy Jars!!!!  TA DA!!! 

So now you must be asking what is a warm fuzzy?  Well first of all, a warm fuzzy is designed to make you feel good inside, warm and fuzzy!  Okay next it is literally a **Beware of Definition**  Fuzzy Pom Pom Craft Ball Thingy; see picture below for clarification;

 Enough said about that.  Now the Jar part.  Get any Jar you would like I found these Jars at Wal-Mart for pretty cheap I don't remember what they cost was now because it was quite a while ago when I bought them but I found them in the Kitchen section not crafts.  To be honest the jars are a little difficult for little fingers to open so even just a canning Jar would work great and be easy for little fingers or you could even take the middle part out and they wouldn't have to open it at all.  Although I do like the size of our jars, it doesn't take to long to fill up (I could see the kids getting discouraged if it doesn't fill up in.......................Forever), and it doesn't fill up too fast either, so I'm not shelling out gifts all the time.  I do recommend Decorating the Jars, the girls had fun doing that and it was a great way to start off the reward system.  I simply bought foam stickers, they had a ball with that.  I also got the letter foam stickers and they put their names on them too.

As you can see we have almost filled our jars right now and the girls are getting excited about getting their reward.

How it works...

1.)  Catch your child doing something good.  i.e.  making their bed without you asking,  saying something nice to a sibling or friend, brushing their teeth, really anything that you think is awesome when they do it!  OR they arch themself doing something good!!

2.)  Let them put a warm Fuzzy in their Jar for the good deed they did.

• I've done this a couple of ways.  Now that they are a bit older I will just have them go put the fuzzies in their jar whenever I notice that they did something good.  But it also works really nicely to add this into your bedtime routine.  Just before bed I would ask the kids what good things they did and I would offer some suggestions.  It really helped the day end nicely because the kids were having good thoughts about themselves just before bed and it helps promote the idea that the kids are good and that they think highly of themselves not just you thinking highly of them.  I think it helps them have higher self confidence and remember the good things and not the bad.  We even added warm fuzzies into the jar for, "I gave mom a hug today!" Really anything that they could come up with I'd give them a fuzzy for,  believe me you're not going to fill the jar in one night.  We usually did about five to seven a night.

3.)  Have them take a warm fuzzy out if they did something wrong.

• I always make sure the kids are responsible for putting the fuzzies in and taking them out, it gives them a sense of responsibility.
• I would not do this part unless you really need it.  Sometimes this was the only thing to keep me from blowing my top!  For some reason, "Go take out a warm fuzzy for that!" Helped me calm down.  We all know when we are angry we do not have the ability to come up with logical consequences.  So this one works!

4.)  When the fuzzies hit the top of the Jar they get a reward.

• You can also do this a number of ways.  I find it nice to switch it up a lot.
• We would let them go to the Quarter machine at the local store.  (doesn't cost a lot but the kids love it.)  If your like me and usually say, "not today" to candy, machines, and toys at the store this is the perfect time to say, "yes."  And then your child might stop saying, "You always say not today! NOT TODAY! NOT TODAY!"  If your the kind of mom who always gives in at the store and says "yes" everytime and would like to stop doing that, this is your perfect out. Just remind them that once they fill there jar with warm fuzzies they will get to pick something.  And WHEN they throw a fit just let them. Then you can just take out a warm fuzzy when you get home or all of them depending on how angry you are.  (You must know that I like to be sarcastic sometimes for that to be funny.)  If you are the kind of mom who always says "yes" and don't want to stop then you might not need a warm fuzzy jar.  And if you are the kind of mom who always says "NO" then maybe a Warm Fuzzy jar and a reward every once and awhile might make your child feel Warm and Fuzzy.
• Another way I've done rewards is by printing out rewards on strips of paper and then when they fill their Jar they get to pick a reward strip.  The strips had rewards on them like go and get an ice cream cone, or go to the playplace at Mcdonalds...really anything you'd be willing to do for a reward. That way they had a reward right away, because sometimes I wouldn't be able to make it out right away so they would just give me their reward strip when we went to redeem their reward.
• Another good idea is to take them to the dollar store and let them pick whatever they want.  What the hay your out a buck and they got the joy of picking from anything in the store without a "no."  But the thing is you can't say no then after you told them to pick whatever they want(unless of course it's dangerous,) it's nice for kids to get a "yes" every once and awhile to an idea.  They may pick junk but they got to pick and they could learn from their own decisions.
• You could give them a dollar for their piggy pank.
• You could even plan a fun outing with the family and then say when everyone fills their jars you'll go.  There are always more good deeds you could come up with to catch up the slow Jar filler in your house.
• Don't worry if one fills up their Jar before the other.  I've taken one of the kids out when they were the only one to fill their jars and it makes them feel special.  Sure the other ones are disappointed but I'll tell you, they sure work harder to fill theirs.

The hard disipline times don't stop but they sure seem to happen a lot less and the good things happen more and more.  Or at least they do in your head.

Go ahead try the Jars, it can't hurt! 

What do you do to reward your kiddos?  How could you change my idea to make it work for your family?